Apologies for my absence over the last few weeks. There have been all kinds of things going on related to the mental health aspect of my life and it has been an uncomfortable and challenging time.
If you are new to my writing you may not know that in 2023 I suffered a traumatic spell in intensive care following a suicide attempt and recovering from that physically and emotionally as well as dealing with the symptoms of my mental health condition (schizoaffective disorder) has meant I have experienced little peace of mind and mental stability since I stopped posting on Substack a few weeks ago.
Things have taken a turn for the better now that I have begun taking a new medication which seems to be helping a great deal. The medication functions as both an antipsychotic and a mood stabiliser, and within a few minutes of taking a dose I feel drastically more calm and peaceful. This is a great mercy and I thank God for it. I’m also deeply appreciative of the support I have received from medical professionals who have played an important role in helping me to survive through these challenges.
In the midst of this uncomfortable time I have continued to reach out to God, though I have experienced Him telling me things related to my identity which have been difficult to understand. He tells me that it will all make sense and I must keep trusting and keep going, but at times I have felt an intense fear of being forsaken, even though He encourages me and reminds me of His love for me.
Even though I know there are infinite possibilities with God, there have been times in recent days when the thought has crossed me mind that I’m just too far gone, in terms of my mental health, to recover. I have worried about things from my past and broken relationships in my life, and even though God often assures me all is well and I am doing the right thing, I feel concerned (even paranoid) that I have spent too much time in instability to be the loving person I want to be.
I have been feeling this way despite the fact that God has reassured me that my religious duties and obligations are fulfilled in their entirety and that He expects nothing more of me and my life is not over. But letting go of my desire to engage in church life and to serve has been a highly troubling and confusing thing for me, as this is what always brought me so much joy and fulfillment in the past.
The most confusing aspect of all of this is that God has been telling me that I am Jesus at His second coming. I have been anguished trying to understand why God is repeatedly telling me this and have felt dread that I must be under the control of Satan telling me lies, as how could this possibly be true, when the Bible describes Jesus as coming on the clouds with His angels in great glory?
There is much more I could write about these things but have done so in other articles and I feel that is enough to say for today. I hope to return to posting regular articles soon, though my tentative plan is to post once a week rather than daily and this will depend on whether I remain stable on this medication and my thoughts are engaged and inspired enough to write things that are meaningful and potentially helpful.
I hope you are all well and reaching out to God about the challenges you are facing in your lives and keeping grounded in the refreshing encouragement of Scripture. I pray the rest of your week will be blessed and that the goodness and mercy of God would prevail for you and for all sentient beings.