Know Thyself
Understanding my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder
As I sat down to compose this article with the intention of explaining my mental health diagnosis, I laughed. This is because the thought processes, moods and experiences I often live through are so difficult to understand that they veer towards the absurd. While my mental health journey sometimes seems very complex, I know that its complexity is not a difficult matter for God, and that in His infinite wisdom, everything makes perfect sense.
During my twenties, I started to experience psychosis. I had a series of hospital admissions and was given a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I understand this diagnosis to have two components: schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (the ‘schizo’ part refers to the experience of psychosis and the ‘affective’ part refers to extremes of mood). When I look back on my mental health journey, I feel that this diagnosis accurately characterises my experiences when things aren’t going too well.
I have expended much energy questioning the diagnosis I was given and what it really means. I have often felt that when a psychiatrist gives a person a diagnosis, the implication is that the person is intrinsically broken, which is an idea that makes me feel uncomfortable. It has seemed to me that there must be reasons why I experience strange states of mind and that it’s those reasons that need to be understood and addressed, rather than treatment by medicine. Even psychiatrists agree that medicine can treat symptoms but not causes.
I struggle a great deal with the mystery of why I have a mental illness. Sometimes I think it’s linked to my childhood and the breakdown of my parents’ marriage. At other times I wonder whether there is link to a history of freemasonry on my father’s side of the family. Sometimes I think it’s due to being a highly sensitive person living in a difficult world. And sometimes I feel it’s entirely due to having a controlling and abusive father. Only God truly knows and understands, I suppose.
Upon reflection, I think it would be fair to say that the times when I have been taking medication have often been the most stable and productive. It’s unfortunate that antipsychotics have side effects which can be unpleasant, but on balance living with those side effects is preferable to not being on medication at all.
I have certainly come to appreciate those times when I have peace of mind very much. The depression I experience can be so consuming and distressing, but when I emerge from a depressive episode into a place of peace, the relief is precious beyond words. The highs I experience sometimes make me feel elated, which is a wonderful experience, but they are counterbalanced by the lows which can be almost unbearable.
The psychosis I have experienced has at times been rather like living in a dream. I have sometimes felt as though everyone I encounter is part of an altered reality that actually probably only exists in my mind. It’s a strange truth that these kinds of experiences always seem to occur when I am off medication, and that they happen less often, and in much less pronounced ways, when I am taking medication.
One of the reasons why I have been on and off medication throughout my mental health journey is that the Christian faith and its teaching about healing and miracles have been so important to me. I have sometimes prayed for healing, and others have prayed for my healing, and then I’ve tried coming off medication with the belief that I have been healed by the blood of Jesus. But even despite all these prayers, I have always relapsed.
I’m grateful for the life that I have, and while the many admissions to psychiatric hospital that I have lived through have been highly challenging, God has also gifted me with a passion for music and writing and a personal relationship with Him, and I’m extremely thankful for these blessings. I hope very much that the books I have written are of some value and I have loved the experience of composing, recording and performing music. My Christian faith has been the rock that has kept me anchored through the storms of life, though there are some areas of Christian theology that I have struggled with and continue to struggle with.
The title of this article is ‘Know Thyself’, but I have to question whether this is really possible. Will there ever be a day when I know for certain that I understand myself? Perhaps it a poor question to ask, because I’m not sure that a person can grasp the totality of who they are in any moment in time.
The Lord understands us better than we understand ourselves, of course. And because human beings live behind a kind of veil, the fact that we don’t understand everything about ourselves may be something it is wise to live with and accept. We can always hold onto hope that the things about us that don’t make sense right now may well make sense in the future. And above all, we can trust that God is working all things together for good.