Healing Time With God

My reflections following the Kickstart weekend

So much has happened since I returned from the Kickstart event in London. I have spent a lot of time talking with God and trying to make sense of everything that went on over the weekend and other issues to do with theology and my life circumstances.

I have had opportunity for further healing related to the injuries I sustained during my suicide attempt. This healing came about through talking with God about the reasons why my suicide attempt happened and associated thoughts and feelings. I still feel there is more I need to understand and process in relation to that, and I trust that God is the best counsellor and will help me to heal completely in His perfect timing.

Today is Wednesday. I spent Monday experiencing a kind of stress that was almost unbearable. I cried out to God because I couldn’t discern why I was feeling that way. The following day he showed me that simply by having my smartphone switched on, I was carrying the weight of so many people who were not at peace. The act of blocking some contacts and switching off my phone made me feel vastly more peaceful, though it’s almost impossible to escape the stress of technology entirely in a busy city. It may sound to some like blocking contacts is a crude act, but sometimes, if you are connected with people who are not at peace, it’s okay to reclaim your mental space. I intend to use my phone only sparingly moving forward.

Yesterday was a wonderful day. My state of mind was clearer than it has been for a long time, and I felt more like myself. I was having wonderful conversations with God and felt more confident in myself than I have felt for a long time. This is largely due to stopping certain medications that I had been taking, which were having a dulling effect on my mind and effecting my physical health detrimentally. I was mightily relieved to feel brighter for the first time in years, and I enjoyed a trip out in the evening.

I feel as though British society is in such a dark place, having lost its God-centeredness in an extreme way. Of course, no one is perfect, and I don’t claim to be, but it feels as though people are generally not seeking after God, looking for a relationship with Him and seeking to serve Him.

Today I went for a walk to the local park. The weather was refreshingly wet after some dry days. I sat under a tree for a while and the Lord gave me clarity over an issue in my prayer life I had been struggling with. I had been feeling paranoid that I was praying too much and becoming moany in my prayers, but God showed me that I only felt that way because I had been hurt. He reassured me that I can always voice my prayers and that He is infinitely patient. It was a real blessing and relief to hear this.

Back in my flat this afternoon, I found myself in stress again and I have been so stressed in recent weeks that today I felt worried about damaging my brain. I took some headache and relaxation medication and prayed that God would restore my mind to peace because I was really despairing that I had been experiencing stress for such a long time.

A couple of hours later, a breakthrough came. Reaching the point of exhaustion with stress, I began to pray for other people. I prayed for friends and different groups of people who might be suffering and when I shifted the focus off myself and onto others I immediately began to feel better. I asked God to increase my compassion and let me never forget to think of others. I said sorry to God for being too self-absorbed.

Then, an amazing thing happened which deserves a post in its own right. It involves some things God has been revealing to me. I won’t share it here but it felt like a pivotal moment in my faith life and life journey. I may share this in a future post.

I have been listening to love songs this afternoon and pondering whether I should start living with a daily routine again. It’s something that has benefited me a great deal in the past, but I wouldn’t want a rigid life structure to inhibit the time I need to spend with God processing and healing. My suicide attempt left me with significant physical and psychological trauma and I feel this justifies giving myself time to heal. I will pray about what to do.

The last few days have been something of a rollercoaster but I know I’m not alone in experiencing that life is sometimes like that. I am always awed by how God turns around bleak situations for good - it is often miraculous how He does it, but it seems that God is always merciful to all of us. Glory to Him!

I hope you have enjoyed reading about my experience of the Kickstart weekend in London over the last few days and in the last few posts.